The question in my mind has been: how much personal information is appropriate to share in an essentially public forum? And what constitutes personal information?
At length I've decided that an account of a new experience is only valuable if it's an honest one. In this context, that means giving balanced blogspace to the wide range of raw feelings, thoughts, and experiences that I find myself sifting through in the day-to-day effort to "settle" into a new place. I hope that doing so will be helpful in some way, either to myself in the future, as a chance to reflect back upon all the changes between now and then, or to someone else - maybe someone who is considering a move to another country, or someone who is on a path that is similar to mine.
What I'm getting at with all this preamble is: this week has been a little hard. I'm feeling so out of sync with the people I love back home, so unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing here, and so strangely foreign. The months and weeks leading up to this move were probably the busiest and most "scheduled" of my life so far. All that planning, anxiety, and anticipation were a lot to cope with. But, I'm the kind of person who thrives when I'm being challenged. Now, suddenly, here we are. Just... here. Trying to find a new routine that feels right, trying to put down some roots, trying to get on with it. And, in a weird way, I'm left with a feeling of ... "now what?" What am I supposed to do now?
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on all this, and the thing is, I'm a bit angry with myself. You see, by all rights I must be one of the luckiest people on earth: to be loved, educated, and nurtured as I am, to have found a man who is truly my partner and friend, to be relatively healthy and able to take care of myself, and to live in a country both beautiful and humane. I have got it all, and have no reasons to complain. And yet, I can't deny these feelings of displacement, and these contradictory moments of pure happiness followed by incredible loneliness. So, I'm mad at my brain, and my body's stress responses, and I'm mad at my anxieties, because they're making this week hard on me, when I have no business complaining.
I can't say I was unprepared for a down-swing. I was warned that there would be good days and bad days, and I was given sage advice from people I love and trust who've been through it themselves. So, I'll heed their wisdom and will just keep giving myself opportunities to grow new roots in this new place.